More Jane Austen please

Miss Jane Austen

I am working on a historical novel written to pass as a novel authored by Jane Austen.

Two young heiresses in a country village plus several eligible gentlemen must produce a buffet of romantic hi-jinks, unrequited love, bruised egos, and dashed hopes, for as Shakespeare has told us “The course of true love never did run smooth.”

Lovers of Jane Austen, fans of historical fiction, those interested in women’s fiction or readers who just enjoy sharp wit or like a bit of romance will find satisfaction within the covers.  

Beta Readers Comments 

I was lucky enough that several of my beta readers were famous dead people who have graciously given a short opinion of my manuscript.

“There was nothing of importance in this book, absolutely nothing.”
    –Henry Kissinger

“There is not one negro in this book, not one!”
    – Fredrick Douglass

“Completely lacking in poetical expression. Ok, maybe one or two lines were poetical.”
    –Toni Morrison

“If only I had read this before the revolution.”
    –Lenin

“If only I had read this before revolution.”
    –Lennon

“And still I rise.”
    –Maya Angelou

“A great read when you happen to be in the country for a month.”
    –Ivan Turgenev

‘Should only be read in bed, while eating a madeleine, and recalling the perfume one’s mother wore.”
    –Marcel Proust

“History repeats itself, first as a tragedy, second as a farce, and third as comedy of manners.”
    -K. Marx

“Not as funny as my work, but I did chuckle at times”
    –Aristophanes

“She doesn’t like ‘Much Ado About Nothing’. It’s one of my best comedies. And she names the horse ‘Mercutio’, I find that disrespectful.”
    –W. Shakespeare

“I feel a great affinity for this book. Adeline reminds me so much of Cassandra and of course Lily is a modern-day Helen”
    –Euripides

“The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.“
    —Mark Twain.

“It reminds me of the Brothers Karamazov, but of course much lighter and breezier in tone; understandably because that is the difference between the English and the Russians.”
    -Dostoevsky

“I liked the horse.”
    –Edith Wharton

“It’s a very convenient truth.”
    –A. Gore

“I did not read that book!”
    –Bill Clinton

“It wasn’t confusing enough.”
    –Kafka

“Instead of going to Ditchling Beacon they should have gone to a lighthouse. It would have been so much better.”
    –V. Woolf

“I enjoyed it, but It was just too short.”
    –Tolstoy

 “I am so tired of that insipid Jane Austen. Can we get over her already?”
    –Charlotte Bronte

“A good read when you have a few hours to relax and take a break from conquering the world.”
    –V. Putin

 

Juvenilia

I wrote a bit of Jane Austen style juvenilia. I am no longer a child however many people have told me I am very juvenile so I feel qualified to write this small theatrical piece.

 

A Day in the Life of Lady Gruntworthy

Characters:
Lady Gruntworthy
Griffin, Lady Gruntworthy’s black Butler
Miss Hypatia Heavensgate, Lady Gruntworthy’s beautiful niece
Mr. Toasty-Bread-Cheezy-Brittle, an ordinary gentleman
Reverend Cleavage, the local clergyman
Mr. Southern-Fried-Turkey-Giblets, Lady Gruntworthy’s American cousin
Miss Arabella Pickletoes, Mr. Southern-Fried-Turkey-Giblets’ niece

Interior Lady Gruntworthy’s drawing room.

 

GRIFFIN

M’ lady Mr. Toasty-Bread-Cheezy-Brittle is here to see Miss Heavensgate.

 

LADY GRUNTWORTHY

Show him in Griffin.

 

Mr. Toasty-Bread-Cheezy-Brittle enters

 

MR. TOASTY-BREAD-CHEEZY-BRITTLE

Lady Gruntworthy such a pleasure to see you. May I inquire about the health of Miss Hypatia?

 

LADY GRUNTWORTHY

You may Mr. Toasty-Bread-Cheezy-Brittle. She is in excellent health; I allow nothing else.

 

GRIFFIN

               M’ lady Reverend Cleavage has arrived.

 

The Reverend Cleavage enters

 

LADY GRUNTWORTHY

Reverend Cleavage what a delight as always.

 

REVEREND CLEAVAGE

No, it I who am delighted to visit your highness, I mean your worship, I mean your grace, I mean your extreme specialness.

 

HYPATIA

Aunt I have been alerted that Mr. Toasty-Bread-Cheezy-Brittle has arrived.

 

LADY GRUNTWORTHY

So, he has.

 

MR. TOASTY-BREAD-CHEEZY-BRITTLE

Miss Heavensgate may I be allowed to request the great honor of hearing you play the pianoforte?

 

HYPATIA

Of course, Mr. Toasty-Bread-Cheezy-Brittle. I would be delighted.

 

MR. TOASTY-BREAD-CHEEZY-BRITTLE

On no, Miss Heavensgate it is I who am delighted. All the better to see you with.

 

HYPATIA

It is I who am honored to play for you.

 

MR. TOASTY-BREAD-CHEEZY-BRITTLE

On no, Miss Heavensgate it is I who am honored to have ears all the better to hear you with.

 

LADY GRUNTWORTHY

Griffin, would you please tell Miss Hypatia to commence playing the pianoforte.

 

GRIFFIN

               Miss Hypatia, your aunt Lady Gruntworthy requests you commence playing the pianoforte.

 

Miss Hypatia plays the pianoforte, Mr. Toasty-Bread-Cheezy-Brittle lingers closely behind her.

 

REVEREND CLEAVAGE

Lady Gruntworthy, your superlative niceness, may I ask if Lord Gruntworthy will be joining us?

 

LADY GRUNTWORTHY

I believe Lord Gruntworthy is having Abigail sew on a button for him in the attic and will join us later. So tricky those little buttons, but Abigail is such a treasure, so good with the needle. I don’t know what we would do without her. Is that not so Griffin.

 

GRIFFIN

It is M’ lady.

 

LADY GRUNTWORTHY

Oh, dear is my niece playing Mozart? I wish she would not. There simply are too many notes in Mozart, it’s clearly not civilized - all those notes. It is music like that which causes revolutions. All those notes, they excite the peasants.

 

GRIFFIN

M’ lady your American cousin Mr. Southern-Fried-Turkey-Giblets has arrived with his niece Miss Arabella Pickletoes.

 

LADY GRUNTWORTHY

Please show them in Griffin. Dear cousin may I offer you some tea?

 

Mr. Southern-Fried-Turkey-Giblets and Miss Arabella Pickletoes enter

 

MR. SOUTHERN-FRIED-TURKEY-GIBLETS

Cousin, do you have a stronger libation? I have a hankering for some Bourbon.

 

LADY GRUNTWORTHY

               Griffin what exactly is a hankering?

 

GRIFFEN

I’m sure I could not say M’ lady.

 

LADY GRUNTWORTHY

               And what is Bourbon?

 

GRIFFIN

I am not familiar with that substance.

 

LADY GRUNTWORTHY

Perhaps it is something like a French Bonbon.

 

GRIFFIN

Conceivably M’ lady. Perhaps we should ask cook.

 

LADY GRUNTWORTHY

Brilliant idea Griffin, you are such a treasure.  I don’t know what I would do without you.

 

GRIFFIN

It is my honor to serve you M’ lady.

 

REVEREND  CLEAVAGE

Lady Gruntworthy I was just wondering when his wonderfulness Lord Gruntworthy would be joining us? I so was hoping to spend a quarter of an hour fawning on him.

 

LADY GRUNTWORTHY

I believe Lord Gruntworthy is will join us shortly. He is in the laundry room below stairs with Hannah having a stain cleaned off his cravat. So difficult those disobliging little stains but Hannah is such a treasure, she can always find a way to remove them. I don’t know what we would do without her. Is that not so Griffin?

 

GRIFFIN

Quite so M’ lady.

 

LADY GRUNTWORTHY

(Hysterically)

Griffin, oh no, no no no no no. I can’t bear it. I simply cannot bear it. I’m getting a migraine It cannot be. I shall expire on the spot. This cannot be

 

GRIFFIN

What is it M’ lady?

 

LADY GRUNTWORTHY

 Mr. Toasty-Bread-Cheezy-Brittle is drooling on Hypatia. I think his greasy hands are hovering over her. I can’t bear it. Make him stop Griffin. We simply cannot have it!

 

HYPATIA

Aunt, Mr. Toasty-Bread-Cheezy-Brittle wishes to take a stroll with me on the back porch. May I?

 

LADY GRUNTWORTHY

(panicky)

Heavens no child. Are you insane? Never, never, never, never stroll on the back porch with any man younger than eighty years of age. My dear Hypatia promise me that you will not.  I beg of you.

 

HYPATIA

I promise aunt. But I don’t see the harm in it.

 

LADY GRUNTWORTHY

(Hysterically)

oh Griffin, oh Griffin, I feel ill. My niece doesn’t see the harm in it! I simply cannot bear it. Whatever shall I do?

 

GRIFFIN

M’ lady, may I suggest you introduce Mr. Toasty-Bread-Cheezy-Brittle to Miss Arabella Pickletoes?

 

LADY GRUNTWORTHY

Griffin that is brilliant! Absolutely brilliant.  I knew you would think of something. You are such a treasure. A pure treasure.

 

GRIFFIN

 I live to serve you M’ lady.

 

MR. SOUTHERN-FRIED-TURKEY-GIBLETS

Cousin I was wondering if you had any bourbon to accommodate a man’s thirst. Those little cholate cakes you serve give a man a powerful thirst.

 

LADY GRUNTWORTHY

Dear cousin, I was wondering if Miss Pickletoes would enjoy meeting Mr. Toasty-Bread-Cheezy-Brittle?

 

MR. SOUTHERN-FRIED-TURKEY-GIBLETS

What kind of feller is this Mr. Tasty-Bits-Cheezy-Bons?

 

LADY GRUNTWORTHY

He is a perfectly ordinary young gentleman, the best kind of young gentleman.

 

MR. SOUTHERN-FRIED-TURKEY-GIBLETS

What does Mr. Toasty-Toes-Cheezy-bits do? Is he eligible?

 

LADY GRUNTWORTHY

He is très eligible. And he does nothing.

 

MR. SOUTHERN-FRIED-TURKEY-GIBLETS

               Nothing?

 

LADY GRUNTWORTHY

Of course, nothing. My dear cousin, only the most eligible men do nothing.

 

REVEREND CLEAVAGE

Lady Gruntworthy I was just wondering when his blessedness Lord Gruntworthy would be joining us? I so was hoping to spend a few minutes groveling for him.

 

LADY GRUNTWORTHY

Griffin Where is Lord Gruntworthy?

 

GRIFFIN

I believe Lord Gruntworthy is will join us shortly. He is in the billiard room with Rebecca having his teeth flossed.

 

 LADY GRUNTWORTHY

Ah yes Rebecca, she is studying to be a dental hygienist in her time off, three to four PM every third Wednesday. She is such a treasure. We will miss her so when she is gone.

 

GRIFFIN

M’ lady. Cook has provided some strawberries and haggis in the conservatory. Shall I ring the gong?

 

LADY GRUNTWORTHY

Yes, please do Griffin.

 

Gong rings. All exit.

FINIS

 

 ©2025 E.J. Greenhut. All rights reserved.